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Battered eyes spoke of a farewell
Of innocence departed in reminiscence
I saw in them merciless beating of desire
Tortured to chastity of immaculate coldness
In a scurry with rats
She and her ethics lost their matrimony
And since then she became ugly
Having auctioned her feelings to purple liquidity
As I observed more, I saw
Dried tears in a kerchief
And blotted letters of love boasting of her obstinacy
Her voice was similar to a fake orgasm moaning of ecstasy
I witnessed death as cold and hard as life
I witnessed life that’s no more than death
Her eyes of a still born were carried very well
Her crooked smile still managed to cast its spell
Each night she stripped of her soul
Folded it and kept it safe
As she got ready to suck, (suck until no more aware)
Desires of different tastes excreting their wares
As a new hardness explored her softness
Greedily counting the worth of her act
And in the morning packed with dried semen
She was thrown with the other things in a plastic bag
I saw her horcrux writhe in pain
As at dawn she tried to attach her soul back again
She had become a shadow without a name
But everyone knew her womb’s exact depth and fame
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I loved the first four lines of this poem. And then I hated the next four. After that the poem picks up again, but never regains the maturity promised at its beginning. I was perhaps biased because of the word "horcrux" . . . it reminds of Harry Potter. And that, for me, is the ultimate symbol of immaturity. I went through a few other poems as well. The general comment from me is this: your language does not follow the immensity of your thought. I understand what you want to express because I am entering the realms of poetry too. But I feel that your expression is weaker than your desire. There's a gap between the ideation and the execution of that idea.
ReplyDeletei am so glad u commented....nd pls dont hesitate ever again.yes u r rite....my words lack the expression of my thought.but there r a few poems in which i feel i have actually brought out wat i thought.......and horcrux is the word i used coz i did not know any other word that meant the same thing....that is why i used it.....i agree the gap exists but i try to reduce that gap......
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